Losing

 I just got into an argument with a very close friend. The topic of argument was "what was the purpose of this blog". Being a well wisher, they were annoyed at me for not fulfilling the purpose of this blog, which I insisted was to keep a record of my thoughts for me to reflect upon in future. But it was more than that, I wanted to start my journey of becoming a pop philosophy writer, which I failed at, due to laziness. They knew it and called me out for it but I kept insisting I wanted nothing like that but just a blog for myself, not the world. At that moment, I wasn't really lying to them, nor was I lying to myself, but worse. I was simply a victim of emotional thinking or cognitive bias. I was too afraid to accept the reality, the reality that I failed at my goal of pushing this blog to the mainstream. I never really put any effort on this blog while dreaming of it climbing on top of the world. At that moment I was blinded by my fear of failure so I subconsciously decided to change the narrative of why I started the blog to escape the bitter reality of my failure. We often do that. We don't mend our beliefs on rationality, we mend rationality according to our thoughts. We tend to defend our belief  with supportive rationale, while we should really build our belief with the available rationale. So, in that argument which got heated, I fabricated a fake memory (that I never wanted this blog to go famous, rather I write it for myself) that was never real without myself realizing that its not real. All of it to escape the reality. I'm a sore loser, I hate losing, which can be a good thing if it makes you give your best. But what it does to me is stop me from giving my best. I'm scared of what will happen if I give my best and fail, then I will be an actual loser, while if I fail without trying I can at least lie to myself that I'm worthy, and would have succeeded, had I just given my best. Therefore I didn't really lose. This is a vicious circle that I have fallen into and not only in my goal towards this blog, but a lot of other important part of my life. I give up before ever starting, because I'm too scared of being a stupid who can't succeed even at their best.



Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 29, 2021 at 12:56 PM

    Intersting article! I, too, have experienced many instances of cognitive bias, and this post is driving me to remember them all. I'm hoping to see more articles on this topic and more in the future!

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