I Was Very Unproductive - Daily Blog #1

I am burdened with guilt. I feel many things right now, satisfaction ain't one of em. I wasted last 2 days hardly doing anything productive. There's something about unproductivity, which triggers a vicious cycle of unproductivity, but the same thing resides in productivity as well. Once achieved a flow in it(either productivity or unproductivity), it is difficult to break out of it.

I was supposed to start blogging my daily life on 3rd Feb, but it was completely unproductive which demotivated me to even write the blog, because I couldn't face my failure, I couldn't write about how unproductive I was. So i postponed my first blog to 4th Feb, with the motive of making the most of the day and writting the blog at the end of it. But... This day went unproductive as well. I was about to sleep, postponing my blog to a new "tomorrow", when I had the realisation, that this is yet another product of my procrastination habit. I have a deadly procrastination habit, which is probably the root cause of all my life's problem. 

I, at last, convinced myself right before sleeping to face my failure, to not run away from it with the hope of a "better tomorrow", which is just a false hope, and never gets translated into action. As I write this sentence, as I write each of the sentence, I'm trying to hold myself back, to give in to my fear of discomfort, my fear of facing accountability, to just sleep now and do better tomorrow, to start fresh and start my blog on a happy node, to forget about the bad day I had. But I won't. 

This is often the case. I seek to be free from the consequences of my actions. And this is what I have to fight. Winning small battles like these is the path to win the war (very cringy lmao). I won this battle, for I've started to write this blog, therefore facing accountability. And I wish to start winning more and more battles.

I'll now summaries my two unproductive days:-

3rd February - I woke up at 12:30 (that's my normal waking up time, I sleep late) and was all set to start my day and be productive, so I can boast about how productive I was in my blog (spoiler alert : I didn't). I was planning on to start my studies at 2, but sometimes before that my mother told me she had to go to this relatives place, and I had to drop her. I already now had a sense of what the day was gonna be like, I knew (from my last experience) that this 45 minutes job will eat up all my day because I've never been able to focus on something again once I've been distrubed. And the same happened, I came back home at 6:45 (I also went to a friend's home since I was already out). As I came back I was all set to study, after a smal break... Which, ummm, took around 4 hours. After which I was completely demotivated to study, so I decided to sleep and wake up early the next day and cover for the bad day that I had. So i slept at around 12. 

The end. A day wasted.

Takeaways from 3rd Feb - 

1 - I need to stop wasting time over things that I have to do sometimes later. For example, I left my house with my mother at 3:30, but I wasted all the time before that, thinking I've to get up anyway. I should have utilised that 1:30 hours.

2 - once half my day was gone, I could still make up for it, or at least utilised the other half fairly. But the guilt of already wasting half my day took up my other half as well.

4th February - despite sleeping early (at 12) I woke up at 9:30. With a good starting, I wastched a 3 hour lecture which boosted me and made me feel like I'll be super productive today. And after the "hard labour" I decided to "rest" for "a while" which suddenly cost me 5 hours :-) and then began the everyday vicious cycle of me being in guilt of wasting half my day which results into me wasting the other half as well. And now I'm a little sleepy, it's already late and I should sleep. So I won't go much more into detail. But spoiler alert 4th Feb was a disaster as well. If I had to use my rating system to rate the productivity, it would be 2 points... including both days... :-)

I'll post this blog now and sleep, in a hope of a "fresh day, fresh start". Let's see where that goes.

The last 2 days may have been bad, but I'm real proud of myself for fighting myself and gathering the courage to take on my fear of accountability, and write this blog. Tbh I didn't imagine to get good with my days right after I start writting my blog. This blog is anyway to capture my journey of whatever it's gonna be. And it helps create a dramatic effect when the first try is a failure and the last one's a success lmao.

(I'm too sleepy to review the blog before posting, so please forgive me for any spelling mistakes or grammatical error)

Ciao